Journal Entry #11

11.20.13

I have been avoiding posting this. It feels like posting this on the internet is the equivalent of writing it in stone. But here goes.

Almost a month ago, I had just started working at Starbucks, and had a conversation one of those annoying get to know each other conversations with a coworker. He asked what I did other than work at Starbucks. As I tried to answer his question, all I came up with were things related to India, meetings, prepping for the benefit show, making artwork to sell, hanging out with teammates. On my drive home, I realized India had taken over my life and I was completely okay with it. There is nothing more worth my time and life than mission and sharing the gospel.

After work, I went to volunteer at the prayer booth at the Fullerton Farmer’s Market. As we closed up some of the other volunteers asked to pray a blessing over mine and Erin’s (who went on last year’s India trip and will be going back this year for a longer trip) journeys to India. One of the guys while praying got this picture of me standing straight with this huge grin on my face. He said he it meant there was an area in my life I enjoyed, that was fun for me where I felt like myself. He said through this area God would teach me about my identity. 

I realized this area was the India trip and team. It has been a hectic and difficult season, and in these past six months the only consistently good thing in my life has been this team and this trip. I feel truly joyful and at ease when I am with my teammates. 

Earlier that night, Erin and I were joking about how it seems everyone from Fullerton’s campus who goes to India ends up returning. Erin mentioned both she and Meredith had an idea before they went on the trip that they would be returning. I am fearful that the Holy Spirit is hinting the same for me.

I know the Holy Spirit has been drawing me to this trip, to these people, to this organization, Harvest India. Sloane and I a while back were watching a documentary about India, and when it was over I started crying because I missed them. I missed people I don’t even know. 

This week we were commissioned out as a team at the Costa Mesa campus. The church surrounded our team and called out any verses or pictures they had for our team. One man said “When you get there, you will be home. You are going home, not leaving it.” Which resulted in tears. 

I am not at a place to pray for India to be home. I am not even in a place where I am open to the idea that God may call me back to India at some point. To be honest, I have actually been praying for the opposite. I am scared of what sacrifices this would mean for me. My entire life would be uprooted and changed. I know this is what being a Christian means. My life is not my own anymore, but I am being selfish right now. 

I know that if God calls me to something bigger in India, He will align my desires with his. Eventually, I will get excited about what He calls me to. He is faithful in that way. But I am tired of being a Christian who daily has to be convinced God’s ways are better. I want to know it to be true, to believe it so much that the moment God calls me somewhere, my response is to immediately go.

Third India Training (or what it prepared me to deal with)

These past two weeks have reminded me more and more that God is ever present, faithful, and real. He knows His children and hears their cry. These past two weeks have been rough. They have been filled with doubt, distress, sickness, and spiritual attack. I am tired and emotional and yet I feel more blessed and more of God’s nearness than I have in a long while. It’s probably because these two weeks have required unconditional surrender and dependence on Him.

Two weeks ago, at our third India meeting, Nick Fox came to speak to us about spiritual warfare. I have realized the most effective way to tear my gaze away from the Lord, to get me to forget to trust Him is not through crazy supernatural events. It is through the mundane, small things that are out of my control. The enemy realizes this as well.

Here are the ways I have felt spiritually attacked these past two weeks:
-There were complications with my visa
-I became seriously ill, unable to hold any food or water down every day for two weeks
-My car’s transmission broke suddenly
-I’ve been overwhelmed with a constant spirit of overwhelming anxiety
-I’ve been dealing with a depression and loneliness when I am home
-Last minute complications in planning Joy and my benefit show

On Wednesday, as I was driving on my way to urgent care because of sickness, overwhelmed with how out of control my life felt, I heard God speak to me. It was so clearly His voice speaking, saying “I will deliver you.” I was reminded of Colossians 1:13, “The Father has delivered and drawn us to Himself out of the control and dominion of darkness and has transferred us into the kingdom of the Son of His love.” It brought me to tears, and for the first time in my life, I wholeheartedly thanked God for not sparing me from these struggles. 

I realized my God is just as real and tangible as the spiritual attack I am dealing with. And the good news is, as strong as these attacks are and as strong as the enemy is, my God is so much stronger. And He will deliver me. 

What a wonderful and faithful God we serve. Praise Him.

Please join me in fervently praying for protection for myself and my team. I am not the only one experiencing spiritual attack on the team. Fundraising is low, there were a whole lot of visa problems, and it is very easy for us to become discouraged. Please pray for a renewing of the Spirit, for encouragement, and for provision.