Journal Entry #11

11.20.13

I have been avoiding posting this. It feels like posting this on the internet is the equivalent of writing it in stone. But here goes.

Almost a month ago, I had just started working at Starbucks, and had a conversation one of those annoying get to know each other conversations with a coworker. He asked what I did other than work at Starbucks. As I tried to answer his question, all I came up with were things related to India, meetings, prepping for the benefit show, making artwork to sell, hanging out with teammates. On my drive home, I realized India had taken over my life and I was completely okay with it. There is nothing more worth my time and life than mission and sharing the gospel.

After work, I went to volunteer at the prayer booth at the Fullerton Farmer’s Market. As we closed up some of the other volunteers asked to pray a blessing over mine and Erin’s (who went on last year’s India trip and will be going back this year for a longer trip) journeys to India. One of the guys while praying got this picture of me standing straight with this huge grin on my face. He said he it meant there was an area in my life I enjoyed, that was fun for me where I felt like myself. He said through this area God would teach me about my identity. 

I realized this area was the India trip and team. It has been a hectic and difficult season, and in these past six months the only consistently good thing in my life has been this team and this trip. I feel truly joyful and at ease when I am with my teammates. 

Earlier that night, Erin and I were joking about how it seems everyone from Fullerton’s campus who goes to India ends up returning. Erin mentioned both she and Meredith had an idea before they went on the trip that they would be returning. I am fearful that the Holy Spirit is hinting the same for me.

I know the Holy Spirit has been drawing me to this trip, to these people, to this organization, Harvest India. Sloane and I a while back were watching a documentary about India, and when it was over I started crying because I missed them. I missed people I don’t even know. 

This week we were commissioned out as a team at the Costa Mesa campus. The church surrounded our team and called out any verses or pictures they had for our team. One man said “When you get there, you will be home. You are going home, not leaving it.” Which resulted in tears. 

I am not at a place to pray for India to be home. I am not even in a place where I am open to the idea that God may call me back to India at some point. To be honest, I have actually been praying for the opposite. I am scared of what sacrifices this would mean for me. My entire life would be uprooted and changed. I know this is what being a Christian means. My life is not my own anymore, but I am being selfish right now. 

I know that if God calls me to something bigger in India, He will align my desires with his. Eventually, I will get excited about what He calls me to. He is faithful in that way. But I am tired of being a Christian who daily has to be convinced God’s ways are better. I want to know it to be true, to believe it so much that the moment God calls me somewhere, my response is to immediately go.