Journal Entry #8

09.22.13

Leading up to the first India training meeting, I found myself overwhelmed by fearful aspects of this trip, and not enjoying the exciting parts of it. Some fears were completely reasonable, but there were others I was blowing way out of proportion. For instance, when I was writing my first draft of my support letter (which you can read by clicking the “Contribute Financially” button above), I found myself Googling how leprosy is contracted...for two hours. 

Fear kept creeping in all week long and I kept praying for peace. Somehow I finished my letter in time for the training. 

I arrived kind of early and did not know anyone when I got there, so I asked a girl who was already sitting down if I could sit by her. We introduced ourselves, her name is Amanda, and started talking about how our weeks went. Somehow our fears for the trip were brought up and we realized that we shared the fear of contracting leprosy (as most people would). Talking about my fears aloud with a complete stranger who empathized made my fears seem less daunting and ominous. Pretty soon Amanda and I were crying tears of laughter as a result of the same thoughts that scared us before. 

Amanda and I realized we live in the same area, so after the meeting she and I and another girl, Sloane, exchanged numbers to meet up sometime in between meetings. We ended up meeting on Tuesday for yogurt, and both our time and the yogurt was wonderful. We shared how we became Christians, how we decided to go on the trip, and things we need prayer for in preparation for the trip. 

Sloane told us one of the coolest stories ever, and with her permission, I want to share it with you. A while back Sloane went to a service which put a heavy emphasis on speaking in tongues. She was kind of reserved about the idea of speaking in tongues at the time, but eventually found herself desiring to worship God in this way. So she started praying for the spiritual gift of speaking in tongues. And one night as she was praying in bed, she spoke a few words, but with no one there to translate for her, she had no idea what she said. So when it happened again she wrote some of the words down and decided to google them. 

All of the words she spoke were words in Hindi. How rad is that?? I cannot wait to see what the Lord has planned through this gift and her obedience to enter into it.

Her story reminds me that nothing we do in preparation for and in India will be through our own strength, but through the movement of the Holy Spirit. He will empower us to lavish others with His love and kindness when we are tired, grumpy, and fearful. 

So please pray for more of the Holy Spirit for myself and my team. Pray for us to be open to letting Him lead and work, not just on this trip but for the entirety of our lives.

1st India Training, Summary

It is crazy how busy one can be, even when unemployed. Thus the lateness of this post. We had our first India Training last Sunday afternoon. It got me really excited, as well as nervous, for what we will be doing when we get to India. 

The leaders of the team gave us a run down on what to expect for our trip, the overall summary being to not have any expectations, excluding the expectation that we all will get sick at least once on this trip.

According to the most recent conversation had with Suresh Kumar, these are ways in which he wants us to support Harvest India while we are there:

-Visit the AIDs hospital and the patients there

-Assist hospital staff in dressing and bandaging wounds

-Cooking and serving weekly dinner to those with leprosy

-Visit and minister to women in the red light district

-Run a VBS for a group of 1000 orphans

-Assist in running a three day long conference for pastors and their wives, approximately 600 people

-Run a church service four nights a week in surrounding village areas

Not every person on our team will be involved in the areas above. If I am being honest, which I am since I promised vulnerability, there are definitely some areas of ministry I don’t want to do. Actually, not wanting to do them is not accurate (with the exception of cleaning wounds... I will only be able to do that through the power of the Holy Spirit, otherwise I will pass out or throw up).

I am overwhelmed by the realization that these ministries I am being asked to be a part of are so much bigger than I am. What could I possibly have to say to someone in an AIDs hospital who knows they will die from this disease? How do I encourage a pastor and his wife who are in non-stop ministry to their communities? Could anything I have been through even remotely relate to the pain and hurt of a woman whose situation is desperate enough to leave her with no other option but to sell her body?

In my thoughts about this trip since the training, the overarching feeling I have had is a sense of being unqualified. In my head, I know the Holy Spirit in my life is all I need to qualify me and He is the one who will do the work through me. Yet, I am terrified to make it to India, be put in these situations, and the Holy Spirit not show up. Not because I believe God isn’t dependable, but because I am afraid He may believe I am not good enough to be used by Him. 

I definitely need prayer for this. I want to be confident in God’s desire to use me, but humble enough to know I can do nothing without Him.

Journal Entry #7

09.12.13

It’s Seek Week at Rock Harbor. It is also my first week of unemployment. I felt strongly that I needed to wait a week to start the job search, enter in with my church in fasting from media, and attend each worship service this week.

For those of you who don’t go to Rock Harbor, Seek Week is an annual event where all Rock Harbor campuses seek after God through prayer and fasting, hoping to hear what He has for us both individually as well as collectively. We have worship services every night at our main campus in Costa Mesa, and Friday is marked by a celebration service.

I’ve never wholly committed to entering in to a Seek Week. God does some crazy things when you reach out to Him. Every day I have been taught something new, in big powerful ways. I want to share one of them.

It happened on Thursday night. Honestly, I was pretty distracted and kind of wanted to go home. The only thing I actually heard from the message was a quote from Dallas Willard that said something like God speaks to us with out own thoughts, that are not our thoughts. Kind of profound, but not really. It was something I already knew.

I was sitting next to my friend Stefanie and after the message she asked me to pray for her. It was one of those prayers where you were praying for them, but just as easily could have been praying for yourself instead. We talked for a little while after, but then I realized my leg had fallen asleep, so I figured it was time to stand up and continue worshiping. 

It got to the last song, which was I Love You Lord, and the band stopped playing so all there was to hear were our voices. I have always been a sucker for worship moments like this. But this one was different. I thought to myself, “This is what Heaven will sound like...” My thought. Then it was continued with, “...And you will be there.” Most definitely not my thought. Immediately I recognized it was God speaking to me, and of course tears followed.

I have always had a hard time believing in God’s grace. Especially believing that it will cover my sins. Ever since I was little I had dreams that everyone would be raptured, and I would be left behind. The one who thought they were a Christian, but was wrong. 

Those five words were a promise. Christ died for me, and in my brokenness loved me still. And His grace is enough. I can find hope in that promise. A promise of a future with Him. 

And suddenly Friday doesn’t seem so daunting anymore. I have something to celebrate.

Journal Entry #6

09.08.13

Run.

That is all I heard going through my head today on my way to RHF’s night service. Run from the community God has placed in your life, in your home. Run from the relationships that are difficult and messy and yet still feel undeserved. Run from the callings God has so clearly communicated to you. 

Because God would never call you to something this hard, this painful, this messy. Run.

I am starting to realize running is something I do a lot. Especially in relationship. Even more so when things get hard. 

Somehow, even with all of this running in my head, I ended up at church. And Joel’s main point in the message was to stand. Unbelievable. He essentially said, Sparknotes version, sometimes there is nothing you can do, no movement you can make on your own strength that could help any broken situation or season of life. Sometimes all you can do is stand, unswervingly and steadfast. By standing in the hurt and ruin you proclaim God is worthy and able to enter into this mess to turn this, once ruined, situation into something honorable and glorifying to Him.

I do not stand. Ever.

After church I came home and talked with Nicole about this for a long time. You’re definitely going to want to Sparknotes version of this one.

By looking at a number of my relationships, we concluded:

1. I recognize my brokenness and just how gross a creature I can be.
2. When others point out good qualities in me, I do not believe them.
3. I try to ensure these relationships end before the other person realizes they were wrong, and starts to see how terrible I really can be.
4. I end the relationships because I do not believe that anyone could show me love and grace in the midst of my brokenness. Including God. 

I have a really twisted sense of what grace is. And by really twisted, I mean I understand what it is. And I believe that people and God have grace for others. But they couldn’t possibly find grace to offer to me. 

And then Nicole (she’s brilliant sometimes, although I will never admit it to her in person) dropped this bomb, If I keep running from and denying grace what kind of gospel do I bring to others? What kind of gospel would I bring to the people in India?

Is God gracious only to a point? I know the answer to that is no, but my heart disagrees.

I pray that I learn how to stand in the grace.

Journal Entry #5

08.24.13

The first India meeting was last Sunday afternoon. I decided to visit Rock Harbor Mission Viejo in the morning, something that I had been meaning to do for a while. This also meant I got to see Joy lead worship (Joy was my old roommate and is also going on the India trip). After the service we grabbed tea and continued onto the meeting together.

It was comforting to have Joy to go to the meeting with. Joy has attended almost every Rock Harbor campus at some point and makes friends easily, so she knows pretty much everyone. It came in handy, especially being someone who is easily overwhelmed by crowds of new names and faces. 

It’s crazy to think, that busy room of strangers will shortly become a room full of friends. Everyone I met seemed to be equally as fantastic. I am really excited about the group of people God has picked for our team. There is going to be a lot of laughter that’s for sure. Which is good, because senses of humor will come in handy. 

Of course one big “business” topic that came up was finances. $3,600 is a lot of money to raise in four months. It is pretty much impossible for me to save on my own, especially when other expenses are considered, like rent and grocery money. I was worrying about it a lot this week, coming up with strategic ways to save and some crazy budgeting ideas.

This morning I went on another introventure, a run on the fullerton horse trails. Mind you, it has been years since I last ran. And I will be the first to tell you, I am out of shape. I couldn’t remember how to breathe and I kept running on my toes. I was a mess, but my only concerns were avoiding getting a side cramp and not running into anything.

After a while I sort of got the hang of it and started noticing the people around me. Most were older people walking or people speeding past on bikes. But every once in a while there would be another runner, and every time they passed by they’d either smile or wave. It was like they were acknowledging the difficulty of the run and encouraging me to continue. I was reminded that although running is a competitive sport, you’re running against yourself, not the runners around you. 

And since runners are freed from the belief that they are running against you, they can come alongside you and encourage you. They can better help you move forward. To run the race that was marked out for you. Reminded me of Hebrews 12:1.

It also reminded me that I am not running this India race alone. God will provide, and often he provides through other people. Through prayers, words of encouragement, and gifts. I don’t know who my help will come from, but I know where it will come from. God will provide.

Journal Entry #4 (Part 2)

08.17.13

Earlier this week, I was talking with a co-worker about life, mostly about India and my living situation. After talking for a while, I could tell she honestly thought I was crazy. 

I can see how she came to this conclusion. I explained how I was spending thousands of dollars to go on a trip, that was not a vacation. Instead it will take me to places of poverty and discomfort. To make it even weirder I explained how I live in a house with four other girls. Not just to pay rent, but because I want to be intentional to actually get to know four other women who are just as emotional and broken as I am. 

I thought about this conversation all week, and just as I was thinking she was right to name me crazy, I went on an introventure (introverted adventure, a fancy way to say I went for a walk by myself). I decided to stray off onto a different path. One that looked far more risky. Most of the time I was walking in a rain gutter, surrounded by broken beer bottles and graffiti. It was dirty and dangerous, broken and strangely beautiful. It wasn’t the usual breathtaking scenery you expect on a hike, but that was exactly what made it better.

I feel as if this is similar to what following Christ is like. You’ve strayed off onto a different path. It is out of what is considered normal. And you know what? It may legitimately be a little bit crazy. But it is so beautiful. 

Through this conversation, God again has illustrated that His ways are not my ways. His ways are not the world’s ways. They are not normal. But He alone will make them beautiful. He will make my life beautiful by making these things that seem so unusual shine for His glory. And my obedience will make for a better life story.

And that is what I keep saying I want for my life, to be a better life story. One that reads beautifully and declares God’s glory. 

So bring on the unusual.

Journal Entry #4 (Part 1)

08.17.13

So I am not going to give details on the situation that made these feelings come up, but I had an experience that caused me to see myself as completely broken and raw this week. I saw how much I could hurt another person. It was a moment where I felt as if I was completely unloveable, and undeserving of forgiveness. And forgiveness was not offered to me in this moment.

Later that evening, God spoke to me in His soft little voice I so often ignore. He told me, “Where this person will not show you grace, I already have.” And it was nice to hear but I can tell you, especially in hindsight, I did not believe it. 

But whether or not I believed it, in that moment God reached out to remind me that He not only loves me deeply, he loves that hurtful, unloveable, guarded version of myself. He has extended grace to that person so I don’t need to be guarded anymore. He will hear my hurtful words and my angry heart, and not only embrace it, he will forgive and heal it. And praise be to God, I am grateful He is a pursuant God because it will take a lot of convincing to get me to accept it. (You’ll hear a lot more about this grace adventure as we go along, the adventure is not over yet. I’m pretty stubborn, but our God is relentless.)

Journal Entry #3

07.29.13 

“I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and all knowledge -- even as the testimony about Christ was confirmed among you -- so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gift, as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.” 1st Corinthians 1:4-9

 The prayer team at Rock Harbor Fullerton’s (RHF) night service got this verse as a word for someone in the congregation. Along with the verse they got the sense this person was called to minister, but believed they were too young or not mature enough to step into the role they were called to.

About three years ago “...and then you will preach to everyone around you” was prayed over me in a community group meeting. I remember it because I was adamant against it being true. I hate public speaking and refuse to believe I will ever have to do it, especially now that I am out of school. This prayer implied there was a lapse of time before this was meant to happen, time for me to mature or to get a little more bold.

But thinking about it, I am pretty sure that time is here and is has been here for a while. And I for sure do not feel prepared or bold. 

I have been waiting around for a second (and third, and fourth, and fifth...) affirmation that this is what God has for me, thinking I was postponing the preaching part of the prayer. But now I realize I have been preaching this whole time. You don’t need words to preach, actions work just fine. And have my actions been preaching Christ or preaching Carolyn? Who is it that I proclaim the Lord to be with my life? 

My life hasn’t been intentional up to this point. My life and heart do not exude Christ in the way I believe they should. And it is causing me to fear. It is fueling the belief I have that I could ruin God’s plans. And although I cannot ruin them, I can sure keep myself from furthering His plans. 

I need my passion for Christ to be reignited. I have become complacent in my relationship with Him, indisciplined, and inconsistent. There is no reason why God should choose me to work alongside Him to further His Kingdom. I am unqualified, like Moses must have felt. 

But Christ has qualified the unqualified. 

And like this passage that Paul wrote to the Corinthian church, Paul was grateful not for the abilities of the Corinthians, but he was grateful for God who gave them grace and the abilities according to His will. 

God enriched them, God sustained them, and God is faithful. And He continues to do so and be so today. To God be the glory, honor, and praise.

Journal Entry #2

07.25.13

I have this problem. It’s called pride, I think it is safe to say we all have a problem with it as well. I was reminded of this problem because of a fear I have. I have this ridiculous little (and when I say little I mean HUGE) fear of ruining God’s plan. 

At first that sounds like a reasonable fear. Until you realize that the only way you can believe this fear to be possible is if you also believe you have more power and influence than God does. Man, I really think too highly of myself.

Recently, I have been thinking about India (duh), and my thoughts have been more worries than actual thoughts. I worry about whether or not I was really meant to apply for this trip, if I can afford it (especially if I am unemployed), about flying for so long over a big body of water, if I find friends on the team I am going with, if I will be able to mentally handle all I see when I get there. 

I worry because I have no control, but God has complete control. 

Not to say that I will stop worrying or that all of my problems are solved. I realize this trip will come with difficulties, since (unfortunately) this is how growth happens. And I would like to say I hope we do have difficulties, because it will make my dependence on Christ grow.

I do not have control. God does. He had control before I even offered it to Him. It is His plan, and it is in His power for things to work out for His glory. I just need to learn how to go along for the ride, trusting that He is good and able to make His plans come to fruition. Sounds easy enough right?**

"It has always seemed to me that broken things, just like broken people, get used more, It's probably because God has more pieces to work with." -Bob Goff, Love Does

**Sarcasm. I totally realize this is going to be ridiculously difficult. Especially for a type A personality like myself.

Journal Entry #1

My original plan for this blog was to write in my journal and then post what I wrote up here, verbatim, for everyone to read. My intention behind it was complete vulnerability and openness, which I still desire for this blog and will try my best to do. 

As I was copying over some old journal entries this week, which turned out to be rather tedious since my handwriting has gotten pretty bad, I realized it would be better for me and more memorable to re-read, reflect, and re-write the entries. I would be able to relive old thoughts and hopefully learn these lessons better. Repetitiveness sticks you know?

07.15.13

I have now read Britt Merrick’s book, Godspeed, a total of three times. This is a lot of time for me to spend on one book. I keep learning things from it, probably because the subject matter is one I wrestle with, how to live missionally where you are at.

This time the chapter that stood out to me was about Jesus’ interaction with the adulterous woman, how he pardons her by asking the person who was without blame to cast the first stone (John 8:3-11). I was struck with how much like the adulterous woman I have been. I have debts to be settled because of my sins, I realize my shame and guilt, and I realize I deserve to be stoned to death as a result of these debts. 

But Britt did not focus on this woman being a sinner, nor on the fact that Jesus was the only one who could rightfully condemn her, although he chose not to. Britt’s focus was on the realization that Jesus always followed the law, perfectly. When reading this story I have often assumed it was by Jesus’ words and wit alone that this women was pardoned. This is not true. I believe Jesus speaking the words “Go and sin no more” would have been enough. But he pardoned this woman because his plan was to pay the debt himself upon the cross.

It seems like a simple and obvious point. Until you put yourself in the woman’s place, feeling as if your “value disappeared and debt remained.” This is a huge deal. I already have realized how broken I am, it is not necessary to point it out to me. I get it, as did this woman. Jesus did not come to shame us, he came to bring salvation, redemption, and the opportunity for healing. He did not want to add to the weight of my sins, but to take the weight from me. 

I have spent the majority of my life searching for a love like this, one that is unconditional and true. The irony is that in searching for it I have committed more sins and placed a bigger gap between myself and Jesus, the only one who could actually give me what I search for. It’s too easy to forget all I need is found in Him.

"Jesus did not come to break the bruised reed, the person deeply wounded by the consequences of sin. He did not come to snuff out the dimly burning wick, the person barely holding on to the flicker of hope they have left."      -Britt Merrick (Matthew 12:20 paraphrased)

"Your Story Starts Here..."

"So... What's your story?" 

If you've spent any amount of quality time at a coffee shop with me, you will hear those words come from my mouth. I have always been intrigued with people's life stories. I love hearing where people came from, what they've done, how they've become who they are. 

I believe our God is a God of stories; He always has been. He has been writing stories since before Adam and Eve, throughout the time of Moses and the Israelites, during the time when Jesus was on earth, and He is still writing them today. It is through these stories that God's presence is seen and His character realized. 

A few months back I started to recognize, despite all of the "God-stories" I had heard and believed to be true, I still had not been trusting God to be the author of my own life story. At some point I had decided I was a better author and knew what was best for my life. I was writing a story with my life, but it wasn't a very good one. Around the same time, my dear friend Nicole (most likely by some prompting of the Holy Spirit) decided to buy me the most beautiful journal for my birthday. And without her knowing all these thoughts about stories that had been bombarding my mind, she just so happened to write on the very first page of this journal, "Your story starts here."

It was a fresh start. An extension of grace. An invitation to enter in to a meaningful story God had been offering me all along. And I decided to take it. 

And apparently this story is taking me all the way to India. 

I am asking for those who know me to step in to this story as well. I’m sooooo not a blogger (or even a journaler really), but I am going to do my best to document my thoughts and experiences throughout this adventure, because what is the point of a story if it is not being told? I just ask that whenever you think of me or read these blurbs, please take a little extra time to pray for me. I believe in the power of prayer and the strength, comfort, and change prayer brings. And let me tell you, for this adventure I’m gonna need all the help that I can get.

Side Note: If you ever are praying for me and this trip, and you feel as if God is giving you something that could encourage me or the team that I am going with, please pray into your feeling, trust that God speaks to you, and let me know what He has to say!!