Journal Entry #1

My original plan for this blog was to write in my journal and then post what I wrote up here, verbatim, for everyone to read. My intention behind it was complete vulnerability and openness, which I still desire for this blog and will try my best to do. 

As I was copying over some old journal entries this week, which turned out to be rather tedious since my handwriting has gotten pretty bad, I realized it would be better for me and more memorable to re-read, reflect, and re-write the entries. I would be able to relive old thoughts and hopefully learn these lessons better. Repetitiveness sticks you know?

07.15.13

I have now read Britt Merrick’s book, Godspeed, a total of three times. This is a lot of time for me to spend on one book. I keep learning things from it, probably because the subject matter is one I wrestle with, how to live missionally where you are at.

This time the chapter that stood out to me was about Jesus’ interaction with the adulterous woman, how he pardons her by asking the person who was without blame to cast the first stone (John 8:3-11). I was struck with how much like the adulterous woman I have been. I have debts to be settled because of my sins, I realize my shame and guilt, and I realize I deserve to be stoned to death as a result of these debts. 

But Britt did not focus on this woman being a sinner, nor on the fact that Jesus was the only one who could rightfully condemn her, although he chose not to. Britt’s focus was on the realization that Jesus always followed the law, perfectly. When reading this story I have often assumed it was by Jesus’ words and wit alone that this women was pardoned. This is not true. I believe Jesus speaking the words “Go and sin no more” would have been enough. But he pardoned this woman because his plan was to pay the debt himself upon the cross.

It seems like a simple and obvious point. Until you put yourself in the woman’s place, feeling as if your “value disappeared and debt remained.” This is a huge deal. I already have realized how broken I am, it is not necessary to point it out to me. I get it, as did this woman. Jesus did not come to shame us, he came to bring salvation, redemption, and the opportunity for healing. He did not want to add to the weight of my sins, but to take the weight from me. 

I have spent the majority of my life searching for a love like this, one that is unconditional and true. The irony is that in searching for it I have committed more sins and placed a bigger gap between myself and Jesus, the only one who could actually give me what I search for. It’s too easy to forget all I need is found in Him.

"Jesus did not come to break the bruised reed, the person deeply wounded by the consequences of sin. He did not come to snuff out the dimly burning wick, the person barely holding on to the flicker of hope they have left."      -Britt Merrick (Matthew 12:20 paraphrased)