Journal Entry #6

09.08.13

Run.

That is all I heard going through my head today on my way to RHF’s night service. Run from the community God has placed in your life, in your home. Run from the relationships that are difficult and messy and yet still feel undeserved. Run from the callings God has so clearly communicated to you. 

Because God would never call you to something this hard, this painful, this messy. Run.

I am starting to realize running is something I do a lot. Especially in relationship. Even more so when things get hard. 

Somehow, even with all of this running in my head, I ended up at church. And Joel’s main point in the message was to stand. Unbelievable. He essentially said, Sparknotes version, sometimes there is nothing you can do, no movement you can make on your own strength that could help any broken situation or season of life. Sometimes all you can do is stand, unswervingly and steadfast. By standing in the hurt and ruin you proclaim God is worthy and able to enter into this mess to turn this, once ruined, situation into something honorable and glorifying to Him.

I do not stand. Ever.

After church I came home and talked with Nicole about this for a long time. You’re definitely going to want to Sparknotes version of this one.

By looking at a number of my relationships, we concluded:

1. I recognize my brokenness and just how gross a creature I can be.
2. When others point out good qualities in me, I do not believe them.
3. I try to ensure these relationships end before the other person realizes they were wrong, and starts to see how terrible I really can be.
4. I end the relationships because I do not believe that anyone could show me love and grace in the midst of my brokenness. Including God. 

I have a really twisted sense of what grace is. And by really twisted, I mean I understand what it is. And I believe that people and God have grace for others. But they couldn’t possibly find grace to offer to me. 

And then Nicole (she’s brilliant sometimes, although I will never admit it to her in person) dropped this bomb, If I keep running from and denying grace what kind of gospel do I bring to others? What kind of gospel would I bring to the people in India?

Is God gracious only to a point? I know the answer to that is no, but my heart disagrees.

I pray that I learn how to stand in the grace.