Journal Entry #4 (Part 1)

08.17.13

So I am not going to give details on the situation that made these feelings come up, but I had an experience that caused me to see myself as completely broken and raw this week. I saw how much I could hurt another person. It was a moment where I felt as if I was completely unloveable, and undeserving of forgiveness. And forgiveness was not offered to me in this moment.

Later that evening, God spoke to me in His soft little voice I so often ignore. He told me, “Where this person will not show you grace, I already have.” And it was nice to hear but I can tell you, especially in hindsight, I did not believe it. 

But whether or not I believed it, in that moment God reached out to remind me that He not only loves me deeply, he loves that hurtful, unloveable, guarded version of myself. He has extended grace to that person so I don’t need to be guarded anymore. He will hear my hurtful words and my angry heart, and not only embrace it, he will forgive and heal it. And praise be to God, I am grateful He is a pursuant God because it will take a lot of convincing to get me to accept it. (You’ll hear a lot more about this grace adventure as we go along, the adventure is not over yet. I’m pretty stubborn, but our God is relentless.)