I woke up feeling pretty out of it, but went up to the roof to read my Bible anyway. When I sat down to read, I just started crying. Couldn't read or pray or anything except for cry. So I asked Shayna, Amanda, and Sloane to pray over me. I was already feeling overwhelmed by all the lies I had been hearing, and knew I would need extra strength from Jesus.
Our first outreach for the day was a homeless outreach. These people walked for miles to come to the house we were staying at, so we could put on a service for them as well as provide out clothing. As soon as the service started I was crying, not for any reason in particular, but I couldn't stop. I cried through the entire service. As we started to walk through the crowd to pass out clothes, many of the women would place their hands on my feet and ask for prayer. When I tried to pray over them I would start crying again, and not be able to get any words out. I had to trust in Romans 8:26 which states "the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirt himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."
After the service we returned to the house and I started telling Christina, one of the team members who I find to be unbelievably wise, about what was going on with me this morning. Since I was frustrated with the crying and how it was keeping me from engaging with God in the ways I was use to, she mentioned that maybe I should just stop trying to meet with him in my usual ways and learn to sit in the presence of my Father. At that point Joy had pulled out her guitar and was singing away. I decided to sit at her feet, not to join in with worship, but to just sit with Jesus.
As soon as I sat down another teammate, Vanessa, came beside me and told me she felt she had a word for me. She said she felt as if God told her He saw me sitting on my bed alone, and He was with me. She called out all the lies I had been hearing, repeating them in the exact words I had heard, something I had not told anyone about at this point. She then said although I felt God had left me, He was actually closer to me than anyone on the trip. Naturally, I start sobbing. Other teammates gathered around, praying for me, reading verses over me, and Joy singing over me. Eventually I opened my eyes to see that I was no longer the only one crying, we all were.
I have never felt family so closely as in that moment.
We went to a New Years Day church service after in a nearby village. I was asked to MC which felt pretty opposite of the day I was having. So far all of the MCs had been bubbly and pumped up and excited. None of which were me.
As we pulled up, I had no idea how this was going to go. Amanda Compton asked if I wanted someone else to MC, but I felt strongly that I needed to MC even more so, because I felt this way. I looked out the window and saw these three beautiful girls dressed in their best and brightest outfits walking up to the church. They smiled and waved at us, and although I was deeply sad, I felt this deep joy alongside it.
Somehow I got through the service. I wasn't peppy or bouncing off of the walls, but I did get to proclaim God's truth. The enemy was trying to rob me of the joy I had in Christ. But this joy is not a joy that can be taken away. It is mine forever because I am being made new. And the New Year is a reminder of this.
We had a pretty chill evening. Suresh and Christina had us over to their home for dinner. Suresh spoke about the background of Harvest India, how he became a Christian, and told some other stories. It felt like a family dinner with all of us sitting around two long tables, eating and laughing.
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